Thursday, October 19, 2017

Subtle Differences.

Something happened to me this year. Something devastating.
I've lived through devastation before. Events that brought me to my knees for months on end.
But this was different.
For the first time in my life, my soul cracked and broke under the weight of it all
and I began to shut down.
I stopped enjoying the things I used to define myself by.
I lost my passion for life.
I couldn't find the desire to make eye contact with a stranger,
let alone with anyone I loved.
I desperately reached out to anyone and anything that might save me,
piece me back together before the pieces
were too small to gather.
Family. Friends. God.
But none of them seemed to help.
I turned away from all of them, retreated to the innermost corners of my mind,
but it would soon prove to be futile.
Because that's where you still live on. In the deepest corners of my being.
And you still come out in dreams to remind me.
I never understood what they meant when they said their loss felt like all the light in their lives went out.
That every area of their existence was impacted.
But you made me understand that. You took all the light in my life when you left.
So here I sit, against a wall, somewhere in the dark.
Waiting for the light to creep back in.
Or maybe I'm just waiting for you.
I still can't decide if there's a difference.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Ashes and Embers.

I told her I couldn't do it again, couldn't take the risk of loving someone
when such cruel things had been done to me in the past. 
How was I supposed to trust them? How was I supposed to let them in?
"You sort through the rubble and the ash until you find an ember, no matter how small. Nurture it until it burns again," my mother replied. "Always go back and sort through the ash. Don't give up on love,
don't let the embers burn out."